


You’re Killing Me

by marlborobitch



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Tony Stark, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Married Couple, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soulmates, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Nightmares, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24183934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marlborobitch/pseuds/marlborobitch
Summary: "But, I love you so much, Tony. Please, just listen to me. Trust me.""I've got nothing for you, Cap. No promises. No time. No forgiveness. No options. Zero. Zip. Nada. No trust, Liar."Or, the one where soulmates, Steve and Tony were meant to settle down, but things don’t work out quite as Tony planned.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 3
Kudos: 102





	You’re Killing Me

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I’m not great at angst, but I gave it a try. Hope you like it!

The crunch of broken glass under Steve's feet easily could've been mistaken for that of his heart. To his knowledge, Tony hadn't touched a bottle in four and a half years.

"Tony?"

Of course, he hadn't seen Tony more than 28 days of the last 6 months. That's quite a bit of alone time to nurse a bad habit once broken.

Silence rang through their "shared" home, though it was mostly just Tony's nowadays.

On the floor, a few feet from the workshop door, lie Tony, miserable, half conscience, and breathing heavy. Steve rushed to his side as soon as he caught a glimpse of his small body curled up.

He looked so fragile. Skin and bones. Make that two bad habits once broken. Pair them, and they become more deadly than just bad.

Brushing back the sweat-damp curls plastered to his husband's forehead, Steve tried to get Tony's attention.

"Hey," he spoke slowly in a soft, sweet voice. "Hey, Lovely. I'm here. I'm home."

He waited patiently for the ends of Tony's mouth to tug into a smile at the pet name, but the man didn't move. Worry spread across Steve's face until Tony opened his eyes, revealing that he had, in fact, been conscious enough to hear Steve. He just wasn't that happy to see him.

"March 23rd."

_What_?

Tony answered the question Steve hadn't yet said out loud. "March 23rd was the last time you came home."

_Wait- what was today's date_.

"Today is June 5th, Steve.” He did it again, with an even shakier voice. “Do you know I haven't seen you in person for 74 days?" 

"Tony I-"

"Don't you dare say sorry." His voice was still shaking, but more assertive now. "You're not. You're just doing what you have to do, so forget it." Tony sounded weaker and weaker the longer he spoke though.

"But, Tony I am-"

"I said forget it!" That wasn't very weak.

Steve feared the reaction he'd get if he made another sound, so he stayed unbearably quiet. Tony had made his way across the room and into the kitchen. Though his feet had to have carried him in the same direction, Steve didn't recall moving.

A small light filled the dark room as Tony lit a cigarette between his teeth with one hand, rummaging through a cabinet with the other. _Since when do we keep alcohol in our house?_

"You don't even keep yourself in this house, so you wouldn't fucking know, would you, Cap?" Steve must've made this question audible. "But that's fine."

"Tony, when was the last time you ate?"

"Oh, don't pretend to give a shit. You know, you can drop the somber face and concerned act. I won't tell anyone the Star Spangled Prick isn't all he's cracked up to be."

"Tony, please." Steve was suddenly inches away from Tony. He took the burning cigarette from his hand and put it out next to the now full glass on the counter.

Those coffee eyes wouldn't even meet his as Steve placed both hands on either side of his husband's face. _How could he have let it get this bad? How did he not see what was happening to Tony? **His** Tony. His **soulmate**._

Tears stung against his eyes, threatening to spill. It had been quite some time since Steve had last cried. Perhaps if he'd paid more attention to his love, he wouldn't be on the verge right then.

When Tony flinched at Steve's head leaning towards his own, Steve's heart split even more.

"Shh," he tried to comfort him, stroking his hollow cheek, but Tony just pushed him away.

"Please stop, Tony. You know I'd be here with you if I could. It's just-"

"Helping Bucky get adjusted? Running off on missions with Nat? Meetings every day with Fury, and we just don't live close enough, so you might as well stay there? Training new Avengers?"

"Tony, you of all people know how it is. We're saving people's lives. There's not exactly time off."

"I should've known better. Stark men make weapons. I should've ditched the whole hero gig when I had the chance. Do me a favor, huh? Drop my letter off to Fury."

_Letter_?

As Tony left the kitchen with his drink, Steve glanced over the stack of papers on the kitchen island. Several letters from Peter, excited about school projects and beaming about saving women in his neighborhood from muggings. Formal notices from Pepper, as well as a few notes just asking him to return her calls. Some dated all the way back to April. Finally, Steve found the letter addressed to Nick Fury. _What_?

"Tony, you don't have to put in a two weeks notice for the Avengers. It's not like a real job." Steve chuckled lightly, assuming this was a joke and Tony had played it out very heavy to make it seem real. "Nice touch with the letters from Pepper and Queens. Like you wouldn't answer them."

The lack of response slowed Steve's laughter to a halt. He discarded the paper for Fury and examined those remaining on the countertop.

Steve's blood ran cold.

_What the hell were these_?

Steve bolted up the stairs and into their bedroom.

"What the hell are these?"

"Sorry, I sort of figured by this point you must be literate. Still surprising me after three years of marriage. Those would be divorce papers. Just go ahead and sign. I already did, so once you do, I'll be out of your hair. Then, you won't have to bother with these annual trips 'home'."

"So that's it? You're breaking up the Avengers?"

"We're not a boy band, Rogers. And, Jesus H. Christ, _that_ is what you're questioning? The fucking notice to Fury? Why don't you just leave them on the table once you're done signing and get the hell out of _my_ house?"

"You're leaving me?"

"I'm leaving you?" Tony screamed. "Why am _I_ leaving _you_? _You_ left _me_ , Steve. Months at a time. What do you mean _I_ am leaving _you_?"

Clutching the divorce papers in shaky hands, he didn't say a word.

Suddenly, Tony became eerily quiet. "What do you want, Steve? A life, here? With your husband? Or to keep running off every chance you get to save the world? Because I was under the impression that we were settling down and passing the torch. Now I'm deeply sorry if I misunderstood the vows we made to one another, but if I did, you need to tell me _right now_."

Steve said nothing, finally allowing the tears to fall.

"What do you want, Steve?" Tony was yelling again.

Splatters of tears gradually soaked the documents in his hands. Steve stayed dead silent.

Tony threw his empty glass at the wall inches from Steve's head where it shattered, and Steve finally rose his eyes to look his husband in the eyes. They were sunken into his face with deep, dark rings around them. His skin clung to his cheekbones, little else there at this point. Tony's usually clean shaven beard was messy and grown out. He looked like hell.

"What do you want?" He whispered so quietly and raspy Steve wasn't even sure he heard him, but the last two times made it clear that he needed to answer Tony's question.

"You." Tony scoffed at this response. "All I want is you. I swear. I- I'll get better. I'll be around more. Tony, I promise. I want you. I _need_ you."

"And I _needed_ you." Tony stood, grabbing Steve's shirt by the collar. "As in past tense. That trumps what you need. It's too late, Honey. Sorry."

"But, I love you so much, Tony. Please, just listen to me. Trust me."

"I've got _nothing_ for _you_ , Cap. No promises. No time. No forgiveness. No options. Zero. Zip. Nada. No trust, _Liar_."

Taking the chance he was given by their sudden proximity, Steve clutched Tony's wrist, pushing his shirt sleeve up to reveal the mark on his thin arm. Then, he rolls up his own sleeves showing his own matching mark. The mark of each of their souls.

"Doesn't this mean anything to you, Tony?"

Now it was Tony's turn to fall silent, yet again.

"We're soulmates, damn it. You don't just break up. You can't just leave, Tony! You work shit out! I know you've got problems, but we've all got problems. I can help you with them. It'll get better-"

"You don't get it, do you? God, you know I love you, don't you? But you're killing me. Why do you think I started drinking again? To numb the pain of you never being here. Why haven't I eaten more than a granola bar since Sunday? I'm sick, Steve. I was sick well before I met you, but—fuck—I got better. And now, it's all I can do to eat one goddamn meal every few days. My stomach hurts when I think about why you don't come home, but God, it's even worse when I think about why you do. Why can't you just come home because you love me, Steve? Why does it always have to be when you've got a problem? I don't even want to know what it is this time. But it's always something. Someone died or your PTSD is getting really bad. I'd love to be your shoulder to cry on, but don't you realize that I need shoulders, too? Don't you know how many nights I've woken up shivering and terrified thinking I'm in that cave again? And you aren't there to make me warm anymore!"

_Steve ran a hand through his hair, finally relaxing and enjoying some time alone. As he peeled the uniform from his skin, he noticed something new that he hadn't before when he'd been caught up in the battle—his mark was glowing. The goofiest grin spread across Steve's dirty face. He never thought in a million years he'd meet his soulmate, assuming that they were from his time, and he'd missed his chance when he'd gone in the ice. But there it was, a soft glow surrounding the black symbol on his forearm._

_After a hot shower and some clean clothes, he went out to meet the rest of the team. He wondered to himself whether he'd saved his soulmate. He prayed to himself that it wasn't Loki, or some other lunatic. Then he saw it—a light glowing around a black mark on Tony's arm as he loaded luggage into his flashy car with Bruce. Upon further inspection during goodbyes and hugs, he determined that it definitely matched his own. Tony was his soulmate. This worried and excited Steve. Truthfully, he adored Tony. But they had certainly gotten off on the wrong foot. Ultimately, he decided to keep it to himself, at least for now_.

"And don't think I didn't notice your mark shining more dull every time you came home, Steve. You can't hide that you don't love me anymore when your mark doesn't even glow like it used to!"

_Cool water ran over his arms, and Steve saw his mark glowing more than it had on any given day in the last year. Tony drew him from his thoughts with a splash of water to his face. Steve was surprised the man had even stepped a toe in the ocean, what with how he frowned when Steve begged to go to the beach. But, it was their very first date after all._

"Stop looking at my fucking mark!" Tony interrupted Steve's second flashback, suddenly tanking his arm away. He hoped it was just his eyes playing tricks on him, but Steve could've sworn he saw Tony's mark getting more dull by the second. "Pay attention to me! Why don't you love me, Steve? Why do you have to make me feel like I'm nothing? Make me want to do everything that's bad for me?"

_The only thing brighter than Steve's beaming face was the glow surrounding his arm as Tony knelt on one knee. Of course he'd love to spend the rest of his life with his soulmate. Who wouldn't want that?_

"God, I can't fucking do this, Steve. Just go away, please."

"Tony, I-"

"Steve! Go, _please_!"

"Wait," he said gently, taking Tony's hand rather than his arm this time. "I promise you, Tony Stark-Rogers, I love you as I always have." The glow around his mark was growing slowly as he spoke. "I am so sorry I've hurt you like this, my love. It was never my intention." Tony's was too, only much more quickly. This was Steve's chance. _Maybe if he could just make Tony see that this wasn't meant to happen the way it did, they'd be okay_. "It's just that so many people need me, and I thought you were strong enough to handle that. But I get it now-"

In an instant, Tony's light around his mark went out.

"Asshole."

"Wait- no! That- that's not what I meant!"

"Save your fucking excuses." He ripped his hand from Steve's hold. "I don't need them or your bullshit apology. Get the fuck out."

_What_? Tony's mark wasn't even black now. It hadn't just stopped glowing; it was starting to fade in color.

And Steve realized what he had to do. Tony was right. He was killing him slowly.

Despite knowing in his heart that he loved Tony now more than ever, Steve had to let him go. It was the only way for Tony to be happy and healthy again. Over the last months, Steve had gradually broken him down, and now it was too late. They were too broken to be fixed.

"I'm sorry. I just need to do this one last time."

Steve grabbed his face once more, kissing his soulmate as passionately as he had on their wedding day.

" _You may now kiss the groom," and Steve did. He couldn't imagine his mark ever glowing more than it did the moment he and Tony became united as one._

But it did. The moment he signed the papers to end their union.

As he sacrificed the true most important thing in his life, his mark glowed brighter than it ever had in his lifetime. Tears burned in his eyes, and he realized once he placed the papers on the bedside table that his mark was burning, too.

Tony's, on the other hand, was barely even there by now.

"I love you, Tony. Always have. Always will. And if somehow, in the end, you find yourself in a better place and think it might be possible to forgive me... Well, I'm just a phone call away. I'll be waiting."

Tony grabbed Steve's wrist as he opened the door to leave their previously shared room. Turning around with hope in his eyes, Steve silently prayed Tony would tell him they just needed time to heal.

The fragile body that was once so strong and wrapped in armor pulled him into a hug. And they held each other.

"Thank you, Steve." Tony whispered.

Relief. That was relief in his voice. Relief of being released from the hell that being married to Steve had developed into.

As much as Steve wanted Tony to change his mind, he knew this was all in the best interest of the love of his life. So, he kissed Tony's forehead, lifted him up, and carried him back to bed. Then, he asked FRIDAY to order a small meal from Tony's favorite local diner where they'd eaten dinner the night they moved in. After returning from getting Tony a glass of water, his soulmate was already half asleep. He quickly wrote out a note.

_I'm so sorry, Tony. For everything. I truly hope you are happier. Please consider checking back into rehab. Food should be here by the time you wake. I know how hard it is, but try to at least eat some of it. I love you endlessly, I swear. You are my reason for living. My purpose. If only I’d seen before. But, my love, you are worth dying for, and I certainly am not. If anything ever happened to you because of me... I could never forgive myself. I will never forgive myself for losing you. I’m sorry I never gave you the life you deserved. Please get better, Tony._

_I love you for always,_

_Steve_

_P.S. If you ever change your mind, or just need a friend—you know where to find me._

Steve kissed his forehead again—a final goodbye—and turned off the light. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but he was sure there was the slightest, barely noticeable glow around the now faded gray mark.

"Goodbye." He said. _For now_. He hoped.

As he walked out the front door, Steve knew he was doing the right thing. He had to do right by Tony this time.

He drove back toward where he'd just returned from, knowing he'd love Tony Stark until he took his dying breath.

_Unfortunately for us_ , he thought, _not all stories have happy endings_.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t done much angst, and this is only my second fic, so please leave any constructive criticisms. :)  
> Also, if this does well, I might do a part two, so if that is something you’d want to read, please let me know!


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